ED MILLIBAND : THE LOVE CHILD OF BEAKER AND RIO FERDINAND?? BEAKERBAND

Today, the Daily Rant has received shocking news. News so shocking that before you read on, you may need to take a seat....

It has been alleged that the lame duck Labour incumbent, Ed Milliband, is the love child of Rio Ferdinand and the character, 'Beaker' from the popular 'Muppets' TV series.

Our source advised us that Milliband, when pressed on the topic, repeated his "Let me tell you this" mantra whilst running, uncontrollably in circles and that at one point his language became undecipherable. "I couldn't make out a word, the question obviously caught him off guard. There was no substance to anything coming out of his mouth - the way he moved and the high pitch noises emanating from him made me feel uncomfortable. His last words were "mememememebabababap" - that was just before he vanished at speed.

Should you come in to contact with him, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, APPROACH HIM. He will become stressed, shouting "let me tell you this" and "New Labour got it wrong" over and over - we understand that this behaviour is an attempt by 'BEAKERBAND' to divert your thoughts from the fact that there is absolutely no substance to anything that comes out of his mouth.

Rio Ferdinand and Beaker were unavailable for comment.

THE BEST YOGI BEAR...EVER!

You can't fail to be impressed by this amazing parody of Yogi Bear. The animation's amazing!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM DOMINIC THE DONKEY!!!!

I love most things about Italy, it has everything. The Views. The Food. The women. Oh, and Dominic the Donkey. 

I had the misfortune of listening to the Chris Moyles breakfast show, yesterday. That was when I first heard this. So, I guess I have to thank the fat, arrogant, piece of shit, for that. 

I'm sure you'll agree that this needs to be the Christmas number one. 

Enjoy!

An Ode to MJ from America's funny Man Neil Hamburger

Morning Folks.

It's nearly Christmas, Everybody is busy, buying last minute presents and the Christmas tunes are out in force.... wait there, what's this? oh. Michael Jackson releases his new Album. For fucks sake. Well, we all know it's a steaming pile of dog shit (His mother's even convinced that half of it's not his voice) so, sit back, relax and let Neil Hamburger sooth the pain away....

X-Factor Finalists All Given Contracts!

X-FACTOR FINALISTS ALL OFFERED CONTRACTS...BY TESCO!!

The Security of Full-Time work has put them all at ease.

Whilst some are in shock, others expected nothing more. In the past few moments, The Daily Rant has learnt that the X-Factor finalists have all been offered full time employment from Tesco. All hopefuls are elated. 


The Panel of judges were less than pleased by the news. 

The above picture shows the carnage caused by Simon Cowell, seen driving a Rolls Royce through the front of the store. 


Mrs Richards, who lives 5 minutes away from the Tesco Store said "It was mental. We could see this Rolls-Royce, driving erratically and skidding around. As it got closer, all you could hear was Cheryl Cole, leaning out of the front passenger window shouting 'alreet ya fucken bastads, yooz gunna ged it noow!' none of us knew what to do."


The police informed us that Cowell and Cole were still at large but that 'the net was closing.' 


When we spoke to the new Tesco staff, Matt Cardel said "Well, it was really difficult. As you know, I struggle not to cry most of the time, so when Cheryl started calling me names, I just broke down." 


In a joint statement, the boys in 'Another Direction' were quoted as saying "we were worried about work and whether we'd need to sign on. There's no chance of us going to college, so we're all breathing a sigh of relief." Harry Styles went further, saying "I've been on the tills this afternoon - they were fucking brilliant - I've even been told that If I work hard, they may put me in charge of the chilled department In six - eight months." 

Colleagues debate the X-Factor

Take a look  at my new X-Factor Cartoon. It's fairly conclusive!

Colleagues debate the X-Factor

Take a look  at my new X-Factor Cartoon. It's fairly conclusive!