Famous Grouse - Named Grouse Ad Campaign?

You may find this trivial, but the Daily Rant bring you the truth - as it happpens - warts and all.  The Daily Rant, today, received an anonymous tip off (Wikileaks-esque) that the Famous Grouse whisky producer, Erdington Group, have embarked on a national TV Advertisement campaign, naming the grouse that appear in the commercials. 

Whisky drinkers across the land were shocked to the core, having heard the news. Dave from Gipton Nr. Leeds said "It came as a rate fuckin shock. The first thing I erd was that theed called one Nielson - That's no fuckin' name for a Grouse - for fucks sake".

We'll bring you more news as we hear it.

ED MILLIBAND : THE LOVE CHILD OF BEAKER AND RIO FERDINAND?? BEAKERBAND

Today, the Daily Rant has received shocking news. News so shocking that before you read on, you may need to take a seat....

It has been alleged that the lame duck Labour incumbent, Ed Milliband, is the love child of Rio Ferdinand and the character, 'Beaker' from the popular 'Muppets' TV series.

Our source advised us that Milliband, when pressed on the topic, repeated his "Let me tell you this" mantra whilst running, uncontrollably in circles and that at one point his language became undecipherable. "I couldn't make out a word, the question obviously caught him off guard. There was no substance to anything coming out of his mouth - the way he moved and the high pitch noises emanating from him made me feel uncomfortable. His last words were "mememememebabababap" - that was just before he vanished at speed.

Should you come in to contact with him, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, APPROACH HIM. He will become stressed, shouting "let me tell you this" and "New Labour got it wrong" over and over - we understand that this behaviour is an attempt by 'BEAKERBAND' to divert your thoughts from the fact that there is absolutely no substance to anything that comes out of his mouth.

Rio Ferdinand and Beaker were unavailable for comment.

THE BEST YOGI BEAR...EVER!

You can't fail to be impressed by this amazing parody of Yogi Bear. The animation's amazing!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM DOMINIC THE DONKEY!!!!

I love most things about Italy, it has everything. The Views. The Food. The women. Oh, and Dominic the Donkey. 

I had the misfortune of listening to the Chris Moyles breakfast show, yesterday. That was when I first heard this. So, I guess I have to thank the fat, arrogant, piece of shit, for that. 

I'm sure you'll agree that this needs to be the Christmas number one. 

Enjoy!

An Ode to MJ from America's funny Man Neil Hamburger

Morning Folks.

It's nearly Christmas, Everybody is busy, buying last minute presents and the Christmas tunes are out in force.... wait there, what's this? oh. Michael Jackson releases his new Album. For fucks sake. Well, we all know it's a steaming pile of dog shit (His mother's even convinced that half of it's not his voice) so, sit back, relax and let Neil Hamburger sooth the pain away....

X-Factor Finalists All Given Contracts!

X-FACTOR FINALISTS ALL OFFERED CONTRACTS...BY TESCO!!

The Security of Full-Time work has put them all at ease.

Whilst some are in shock, others expected nothing more. In the past few moments, The Daily Rant has learnt that the X-Factor finalists have all been offered full time employment from Tesco. All hopefuls are elated. 


The Panel of judges were less than pleased by the news. 

The above picture shows the carnage caused by Simon Cowell, seen driving a Rolls Royce through the front of the store. 


Mrs Richards, who lives 5 minutes away from the Tesco Store said "It was mental. We could see this Rolls-Royce, driving erratically and skidding around. As it got closer, all you could hear was Cheryl Cole, leaning out of the front passenger window shouting 'alreet ya fucken bastads, yooz gunna ged it noow!' none of us knew what to do."


The police informed us that Cowell and Cole were still at large but that 'the net was closing.' 


When we spoke to the new Tesco staff, Matt Cardel said "Well, it was really difficult. As you know, I struggle not to cry most of the time, so when Cheryl started calling me names, I just broke down." 


In a joint statement, the boys in 'Another Direction' were quoted as saying "we were worried about work and whether we'd need to sign on. There's no chance of us going to college, so we're all breathing a sigh of relief." Harry Styles went further, saying "I've been on the tills this afternoon - they were fucking brilliant - I've even been told that If I work hard, they may put me in charge of the chilled department In six - eight months." 

Colleagues debate the X-Factor

Take a look  at my new X-Factor Cartoon. It's fairly conclusive!

Colleagues debate the X-Factor

Take a look  at my new X-Factor Cartoon. It's fairly conclusive!

Top 3 Alternative Versions of the X-Factor

Why the hell do people watch the X-Factor? I've never felt the urge to visit a Butlins or Pontins holiday park and therefore have very little time for this ridiculous, puerile, steaming pile of dog crap. I feel like I've been smacked around the back of the head with a giant Irony bat, every time I hear it called a talent show. It's clearly a TV show that's designed for the mentally challenged. A TV show, designed for adult readers of the Harry Potter books. A TV show, designed for the man and woman whom don't possess the ability to read bus timetables, get confused by the arrival/departures board at the train station and would label someone as 'posh' for reading a broadsheet newspaper - basically, a show for fucking morons.

The trouble is I've been made to endure countless facebook status updates, especially of a Sunday evening, regarding who should go, who was best, etc. I really do genuinely feel for the general public.

Anyway, all of this got me thinking about alternative versions of the program, that I, and many others, may find palattable. Below is a list, of what I think, are great ideas for alternative versions of X-Factor. If you're a TV producer, I'm waiting to hear from you ;)

The Mex Factor

I think this one has serious potential. Its a multi format concept, requiring physical ability and mental agility, so not unlike 'a Krypton Factor come talent show'

For the judges, I think we'd have to go with Cheech Marin, Salma Hayek and George Lopez.

Contestants have to cross the border from the U.S to Mexico (which if you live in a whole in the ground, isn't the safest of places) on foot, attempting to make it to the studio, alive. Whilst auditioning, the men are made to grow a mustache, should they not, already be sporting one.

Those that make it to the studio, are then, and without time to change, made to cook any mexican dish of their choosing, within half an hour.

For the final round, and the round guaranteed to get the audience on their feet, the finalists must choose either the guitar or horn, and play 'La Cucaracha' if you click the previous hyperlink, there's a karaoke version for you to enjoy.
El
The winner would be offered the choice of appearing in a Mexican TV show, dressed as a giant bumble bee for 6 episodes, signed up as the face of the 'El Paso' brand for 12 months, or last but certainly not least, feature as a member of a travelling Mariachi band, touring Mexican restaurants for 12 months. The final option obviously gives the lucky winner the opportunity of a book deal and film rights.

The Bex-Factor

By now you're probably second guessing me...

It's another multi-format show, as it needs to provide a platform for female and male contestants. That's rigtht! we're looking for a new Mr and Mrs Beckham.

The Judges would be Messrs Beckham and Rebecca Lews which should, in itself, provide plenty of entertainment.

Round 1 - In the first round, the blokes show off their football skills by kicking a ball 40 yards across a football pitch, aiming for the middle of a Tractor Tyre. Think that's easy? well it's not - especially when somebody is blocking your view with a full size mirror and you're simultaneously having to style your hair.

Whilst the men are doing this, the female contestants are back in the studio. The curtain is drawn to unveil a 20 foot pig pen. The girls have 10 minutes to catch, and toss off a pig. Whilst doing this, they have to grab a fake, Rebecca Loos-esk moustache from the pigs trotter, and place it perfectly on their own face.

Round Two

The Men have to visit a local football teams' changing rooms. Once there, they have 60 seconds to dodge the football boots that Beckham launches furiously at them. Incidentally, Beckham also puts on a bad, fake, Scottish accent and rants incoherently about whisky and horse racing.

The women have to dress as girl band members, singing as badly as possible, whilst mainly pouting. after this, they're all asked to name three countries other than the UK, America or Russia. Again, the worst performer is the winner.

THE FINAL...

For the final, the three female contestants have to create their own clothing line and dress their male counterparts not only badly, but in the most feminine way possible.

When it comes to prizes, I'm struggling to come up with something suitable -your suggestions would be most welcome.

Sex Factor



Admittedly, it would need to be aired post watershed. Set in a large sex theatre in Amsterdam, contestants would be judged by the industry heavyweights and legends that are known as, Ron Jeremy, Hugh Hefner and Sylvia Saint.

Fucking on stage, The contestants would be judged and scored accordingly, based on their sexual prowess. The winner would receive a 12 month porn film contract.

If you have any further suggestions, let me know!!!

Lymington in Hampshire says no to J D wetherspoon Pub

Every town or City has one, some have more than 5 - not in Lymington. J D Whetherspoons proposal to open one of their cut price pubs has been thrown out by the council after receiving over 200 letters of complaint. check out the video to see Graham Satchel interview the local,stuck up, Lymington councilor.

The other local, featured in the interview makes a vaild point regarding jobs. I don't know that opening a J D Whetherspoons in Lymington would provide 100 jobs but it would certainly provide people with the chance of eating one of the cheapest, largrest, Full English breakfasts on offer around the country.

Pilots Vs Intelligence Officers

Helicopter Pilot Vs Crewman -

You don't have to be in the Air Force, or English, to find this funny.

Helicopter

Nick Robinson Loses it!

We all love the BBC's Political Editor. He's always struck me as an affable bloke who looks like the bear from Bo' Selecta. Anyway, he lost his usual cool with a protester... It's hilarious!

First Group Buses in Leeds...Are Shit!

I don't drive, instead, i use buses to get around Leeds. The problem with that though, is that i have to put up with the sub standard service that First Group Plc have to offer to the bus users of Leeds.

My first problem with the First Group Plc Leeds, is the fact that they seem to have reduced the services that they run. I live in Roundhay, meaning that i have to use the number 12 & number 2 bus to go back and forth between Leeds City Centre and Roundhay. In the evenings, it seems as though they just run them when they want. They're never synchronised with the times advertised on the boards and i've had to wait up to an extra 20 minutes, on occassion.

The other major problem is the fact that whether the buses are late, on time, or early - they always park and the driver stops at the Roundhay Park bus stop, for up to 10 minutes at a time - every time! Is this really necasary? I think not. If this is as a result of the militant stance that the drivers took before Christmas, leading to the Leeds Bus Driver strikes that affected Leeds bus users at Christmas, then get rid of them and get some new drivers. At the end of the day, buses should be looked at as a public service and to that end, they should always run. If the government took control and really wanted to improve it, they could. The cars that they're trying to get off the road would be if buses and the times that they run, could be relied upon. So remember, the next time you're catching a bus, wether you're in Leeds or not, write a comment and let me know your thoughts whether you're in Leeds or not.